I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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