You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Help. Why am I so naked?
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