Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
