saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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