this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
