I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Randomize