I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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