I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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