u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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