how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
