dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
