I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
