let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
