no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
