Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I just found puke in my bra..
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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