either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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