boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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