i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
