goodnight i made you a song goodbye
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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