you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
