Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
