I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
