"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
