You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize