Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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