if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
