I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize