So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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