So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize