GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
