I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize