saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
