we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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