Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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