She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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