On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
