he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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