My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
i think im in europe. pls send help
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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