And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
