look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
