My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
