I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
