so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
