Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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