The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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