There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
