I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
