I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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