i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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