The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
This is the high leading the old right now
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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