we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
