The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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