Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Oh god it's open bar.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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