Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize