I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Randomize
