he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
