yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
