There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
