Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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