im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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