That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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