I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Someone stole a lamp last night.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
