i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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