I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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