My room smells like vodka and shame
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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