and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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