i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
