When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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