I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
