My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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