so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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