So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
